


Blindness

by relinquish_one_bullet



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-07-14 19:20:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7186868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/relinquish_one_bullet/pseuds/relinquish_one_bullet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard survives the crucible. But she can't remember a thing. </p><p>
  <i>I wanna leave but the world won’t let me go </i>
  <br/>
  <i> What it is and where it stops nobody knows</i>
  <br/>
  <i>You gave me a battle I never chose</i>
  <br/>
  <i>I was the one with the world at my feet</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Got us a battle, leave it up to me</i>
  <br/>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dying the first time was terrifying.

Emptiness. Silence. You can’t hear anything in space. Not the sound of your past exploding, not the screams stuck in your throat, not your heartbeat. Space is an abyss, a black hole, sucking all life deep into its folds. 

I always joked I’d die in a firefight; alongside some of the people I trusted most. Death in a hospital bed didn’t suit me and anything else was too mundane, too happenstance. Forget heart attacks, forget ship crashes, forget falling pianos. I’d die doing what I was always meant to do. 

Suffocating in space hadn’t really made it to the list of possibilities. 

It’s like drowning but worse because you can’t see the water rising up around you. There’s no indication that you should feel the pain you’re feeling, only blank, clear space pressing down on you and filling you from the inside out like glue. Sticky, anonymous pain. 

And Jesus it’s painful. Ripping, tearing, burning. Your insides swell, burst, flood you. Eventually, perhaps luckily, your body gives in, gives up. There’s no clawing for life, no final breath. You can’t catch a breath to begin with. 

It’s just over and you pray the pain stops. And it does, everything stops, and you drift away into nothingness, insignificant. No pearly gates to greet me, no grandparents to hold my hands. Just blackness. Stagnant waiting. Peace.

But I was given another chance, one few others get. My body was rebuilt, pulled back from the edge of the abyss and saved. Perhaps I still had more I needed to do. 

It was the second time, the second wave of death that came easier. My own terms. I was ready this time, I had to be. The fate of the galaxy rested on my shoulders. This time, I’d die for a reason. I prepared myself for death and when it came, all bright lights and noise like they always said it would, I fell in without a second thought. This was it. The final sacrifice of Commander Shepard, the first human spectre. 

At least, that’s what I thought. 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&**

“Keep the pressure on.” 

“Sir, please back up, we need space to work.” 

“We need an emergency EVAC. We…we found Commander Shepard, sir.” 

Lights. Too many goddamn lights. They seemed to shine in every direction, taunting me, preventing me from fully opening my eyes. But at least, with my eyes closed, it was quiet. I took the chance, tried to open them, fluttered my eyelids slightly. 

The light burned, sent me crushing back, and with it came the sounds. Machines beeping, my heartbeat rocking hard in my head, prayers muttered between lips. And with the sounds, came the pain. Inching up from my toes to my head, every part of me ached and burned. Certain places stuck out from the rest: my left shoulder, my right thigh, my ribs felt like they were shattered completely, turned to sand, gritting against my organs. 

I made a noise, something unfamiliar and guttural, and something or someone moved beside me, crowding over me. 

“Shepard?” The voice was altogether foreign but it was tinged with enough fear and relief that I figured I knew him from somewhere

There was nothing I could do to answer though, my mouth clamped shut from the pain. He must have gotten a nurse or a doctor because the poking and prodding and button pushing began. Pain medication flooded into my system, numbing me from the inside out and finally, after many failed attempts, I managed to open my eyes. 

“She’s awake!” The unfamiliar voice choked, peering over the shoulders of the doctors on my left

“It’s too soon.” One of the doctors mumbled

The other nodded, punching more buttons on a machine I didn’t recognize. I glanced down at my body, mostly covered by a blanket. My arms were wrapped tightly in bandages and my chest was completely wrapped in something that appeared harder than a bandage, perhaps keeping my insides, inside. 

I could see my toes at the end of the bed, sticking up under the sheets. My heartbeat hurt. Thinking hurt.

One raspy breath, enough to take in a hard dose of medicine, and I was back to swimming in my own mind, my eyes fluttering shut. 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Methodical beeping, over and over, grating against my skull. It never stopped, always there, always constant, masking every other noise. With concerted effort I peeled my eyelids open, shutting them back at the too bright light. Slowly, so slowly, _just open your eyes_. 

I peeled them apart again, fluttering, closed, open, trying again. Finally, the room emerged in front of me: stainless steel and white and clean. Clinical. Hospital. 

_Where the fuck am I?_

“Let me through.” 

“Sir, this is for your own…”

“I want to see her, she’s my…”

“She won’t remember anything.”

“Shepard?” 

The man at the doorway, fighting with a lab coat, breaks through to the bedside. My name is vaguely familiar. I take that as a good sign. 

“Shep-…it’s me, Kaidan.” 

_Kaidan._

Nothing.

No flutter of recognition, no onslaught of memory. He slowly nods, sinking down into the chair beside the bed. Based on his practiced movements, he’s sat there before. I feel a twinge of guilt at his expression, like I’ve let him down somehow, like I’ve disappointed both of us. 

“I…” I try and my voice cracks and I flinch, biting down, unpracticed movements 

What had happened? The immediate discovery of my body, battered and bruised, took precedence. The blankets cover most of me…not reassuring. 

I turned back to Kaidan momentarily, at the bags under his eyes and the few grey hairs protruding near his temples. Instinctually, he’s a friend, I trust him. He must be. Why else would he spend so much time and energy here?

“Will she ever remember anything?” He’s addressing the doctor behind him though his eyes, dark and shining, never leave my face

“It’s hard to say.” An older woman answers, putting a hand on his shoulder, “She needs to figure it out on her own, Kaidan.”

“I just want…”

“I know.” The older woman nods and squeezes his shoulder, “But would you believe the story if you only heard it?” 

“No.” He conceded, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, “Thank you, Dr. Chakwas.” 

She patted his shoulder, retreating from the room with a backwards glance at me, smiling very slightly. I put her in the friend column as well. 

“I…look Shepard, I know you don’t remember…I…” He trailed off, staring down at his hands, “I’m just glad you’re all right. Jesus I’m glad. And…and I care about you. And maybe…that’s enough for now.” 

I slowly nodded, mutely, dumbly and he nodded back, sighing. That same twinge of guilt strikes like a mallet, right against my sternum. 

“I’ll come back to check on you later.” 

He escaped after that, rubbing the back of his neck as he walked through the doorway. The room was silent, except for the beeping machines, falling in a sort of harmony around me. It gave me time to think, time to figure out my body: just as much a mystery as anything else. 

I could move my arms, despite the bandages that wound their way up from wrist to shoulder on the right side. The left was free, with large patches of bruised skin. All the skin on my knuckles was gone, scabbed over, and throbbing painfully when I bent my fingers into a fist. I was missing two fingernails on the left hand and three on the right hand. 

I managed to wiggle the blanket down to my waist with some effort and peered down at my chest. It was wrapped in some sort of tough bandage, like a cage that prevented movement. My feet stuck out from the bottom of the blanket, in socks, but they moved and the idea of being paralyzed dissipated quickly. 

“Mirror.” I croaked at a nurse who came in a few minutes later to check the many machines all around me 

She seemed conflicted, as though someone might have told her this would happen and that she shouldn’t give in. But she didn’t say anything and merely fumbled in a drawer next to the bed, producing a small hand mirror for me before she darted from the room. 

It took a few minutes to build up the courage before I flipped the mirror, staring back at dark blue eyes. Both were blackened and bruised, all the way down my cheeks. The left side of my jaw was riddled with tiny white bandages, presumably holding together a deep gash. Another cut on my neck looked like a burn, the edges of the skin charred and misshapen. 

My lip was busted open in two places but I appeared to have all my teeth upon closer inspection, minus one in the very back you couldn’t see. A bandage across the bridge of my nose suggested it was broken and part of my hair was shaved away to put monitoring devices against the skin. 

I remembered my eyes, I decided, staring down at my reflection again, and the distinct set of freckles on my right cheek. I had dark brown hair, long and wavy, and full lips and pale skin. But I could have been purple and been unsurprised, unable to grasp a full picture of myself from before whatever accident had taken place. 

It brought me back. _What the hell had happened?_ I wracked my brain for anything, a tiny detail, a sound, any sort of hint…but nothing came. Just the same emptiness that had settled into the far reaches of my brain. For all I knew, I’d been in this hospital room my entire life. 

I glanced to my right and saw a medicine dispenser button, hanging from one of the machines. I grabbed it, hitting the tiny red button on top. Pain medication dropped silently into the IV that connected at the crook of my arm and I slowly drifted back to sleep. 

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&**

“Shepard?”

It was the older doctor again, holding an enormous box in her arms and looking down patiently at me. I blinked slowly, licking dry lips, before meeting her gaze. 

“Ah, good, you’re awake.” She set the box on a chair beside the bed, “This was left for you.” 

She scooted the chair closer and I peered into the box, surprised to see a mismatched assortment of items. Datapads, photographs, ribbons, a shirt. 

“What is all this?”

“Your past.” The doctor replied with a shrug, “I think you have friends hoping this will help jog your memory.” 

“Oh.” 

My voice fell flat but the doctor pretended not to notice, quickly checking vitals before leaving the room. It took full minutes for me to pull the box closer, inspecting it cautiously. The first datapad had a note attached: _Shepard, M. Background info. Classified._

“Might as well start at the beginning.” I mused, ripping the note off

It flickered to life with a touch and a file popped to the screen. My face was in the corner, stern, and a generic number sat at the bottom where a name would go. Along the right side were stats…I was right handed and nearly 5’9”. The most important box, situated in the middle, was a short blurb about my history. 

I’d grown up on earth, right in the middle of New York City. I’d had several run ins with the law, bouncing from foster family to foster family. I enlisted with the alliance when I turned 18…presumably to get away from all the bad stuff on earth. And then there was Elysium. 

_Elisium._

The name stirs something in the back of my throat, like a need to cough or sneeze. I trace my finger over the name, over and over, and then scoll down. An attack by Batarian slavers…why does that seem familiar of all things? I glanced back at the box beside the bed and saw it, the small medal, a silver crest with blue outlining. 

“ _For bravery and compassion._ ” They’d said, “ _Impossible odds._ ”

I’d save them all, lost no one. The medal felt heavy in my hand, familiar and yet strange. I traced my thumb over it, pressing it tightly to my palm. I could feel the heat from the bunker, could see the soldiers on my left and right, all looking to me. Commander Shepard. Commander of the Alliance forces. 

It was seeping back through a crack in my mind. I wanted a deluge. What I got was a dripping faucet. After Elysium, my mind went blank again. 

I tossed the datapad and medal, grabbing the next with a jerk. “Notes on Eden Prime.” A diary entry? It was something I had spoken and I poured over it, again and again. 

_2183 CE  
We lost Coporal Jenkins. A stupid mistake, one that should have never happened. We honoured him with a medal of bravery…but we all know how well medals help a crying mother sleep at night. Eden Prime will never be the same again. I don’t think I will either. Something happened…a beacon…it…it connected with me. I don’t know. It’s like I have memories that aren’t my own, floating in my head. I don’t understand any of it but Dr. Chakwas says my scans look normal and that I don’t have anything to worry about. Wish she would tell Kaidan that._

“Speak of the devil.” I muttered as Dr. Chakwas walked in, busying herself across the room

“Hmm?”

“You were there. Eden Prime. You were my doctor.” 

“I was the ship doctor.” She corrected with a shrug, “And yes, I’ve known you for a very long time, Shepard.”

“Then tell me what’s going on. How did I get here? What happened to me?”

“I…can’t do that, Shepard. I know that must be frustrating to hear but you have to understand. The only way for you to access those memories is to experience them yourself. If I told you everything that had happened since Eden Prime…well, you probably wouldn’t even believe me.” 

I sighed, shoving the datapad back into the box with a huff. She took a moment and then sat down on the edge of the gurney, patting my leg lightly. 

“I have the utmost faith that you will remember everything again. You just need time.” 

She stood to leave and I suddenly felt the questions bubbling up inside me. What if I didn’t remember? What if I had to live this shell of a life, starting all over? I bit my lip, waiting for her to get to the door before I opened my mouth again. 

“Dr. Chakwas…just one question.” She turned, “This…whatever did this to me…did we win?”

She cracked a grin, running a hand through her hair and staring off into space for a moment. Finally, she turned back. 

“Oh yes, Commander Shepard.” She nodded, “And one day the universe will thank you for it.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, I promise I'm still writing.

It took almost a week for Kaidan to come back, though I saw him wandering past the window to my room on several occasions, always ducking out of sight when I made eye contact. I’d gone through most of the items in the box, all the data pads, medals, and pictures. It awoke something in me, something just beginning to spread.

My crew, Kaidan, Ashley, Tali, Wrex, Garrus, Liara, and Joker. We’d done a lot. And I could remember specific things about them now as well, without any indication from these tangible objects beside me. Kaidan and his brain camp training. Ashley and her sisters. Tali and her too quiet bunk. 

They were all there, just on the surface. I could see Wrex scowling, waiting for his people to wipe themselves out, and Garrus pacing back and forth, ever tired of red tape. Liara, stumbling over her words, her head full of Prothean ruins. 

I remembered them all fondly, albeit incompletely. I could feel the empty spaces in my memory, just barely out of reach. Sometimes I would get lost in the memories, like I was reliving them, re-experiencing them. 

“Looks like you’ve been busy.” 

I flushed at his voice, at his familiar features. He looked older than I remembered, an unfamiliar scar across his lip and the few grey hairs at his temples reminding me that there were still full years I was missing, but that I remembered him at all made me happy. 

And I did remember things, like scratching the surface; it slowly came back day after day. He sat down in the empty seat beside my bed, watching me carefully. 

“Do you…” He didn’t seem to want to ask

“I’m remembering bits and pieces of things. This stuff helps.” I nodded towards the box 

He managed a small smile and I knew, somehow, that he was responsible. With him being so close, an arms length away, the memories came easier. I could remember the long talks after missions, hidden away from the rest of the crew. And I remembered how forbidden it was, how strongly I’d pulled against it. 

Kaidan was off limits. 

Yet I felt a familiar tug towards him as he leaned forward against his knees, frowning. My tongue felt too big for my mouth, pressing dryly against the roof. I decided to test the waters slowly. 

“I remember brain camp.” I said quietly, ”I remember the disaster that was Ashley’s thanksgiving meal…we were scraping fake turkey bits from the ceiling for days.” 

“She kept saying…” He trailed off, eyes meeting mine 

“Back on earth this would’ve worked! It’s all this alien food that’s mixed in…doesn’t cook right.” I mimicked her voice and we both fell to laughing, lines creasing slightly beside his eyes

We slowly fell into a soft silence at that, deep in our own personal thoughts. My thoughts, as they often were, revolved around getting out of the hospital and figuring out what the hell had happened to me. These tiny memories, rising to the surface of my brain, were exciting…but not enough. I craved more.

“Look…I know this is all pretty overwhelming.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair, “And I don’t know if you can remember but…we…I’m just here for you, Shepard. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.” 

He slipped a piece of paper into my hand, squeezing slightly and sending another wave of warmth across my skin. 

“I’ll come back later. If you’d like.” He smiled when I nodded and then slipped away out of the room

There were only a few more datapads left in the box and I went through them quickly, wondering when the rest of the crew would show up so I could suffer more one-sided conversations. 

_Noveria._

The name brings about a metallic, cold taste in my mouth. Even without looking at the datapad, I can see concrete walls, harsh fountains, an air of arrogance permeating every small space. 

And Matriarch Benezia. The name sends a twinge down my spine. Liara’s mother…but how did I know that? Is that why I brought Liara with me, to that too cold planet? 

_“Mom was right, I should’ve packed a sweater.”_

_Kaidan is smiling slightly, testing the waters between us. Things had changed, that was certain, and he was still so unsure. But I smiled quietly in return and he glanced away good naturedly, like a gentleman._

_“I cannot believe Benezia is here.”_

_It was Liara now. This felt like a dream. She looks concerned, scared. Her eyes darted around the complex, at the business suits and the security personnel._

_“We’ve got to get a garage pass and get to Peak 15. Then we’ll see what’s really going on here.”_

_They both nodded their agreement and we set out towards the bar._

I blinked and I was back in the hospital room, the datapad still dark. I hadn’t even read any of it, the memory must have been triggered by the name. A sense of pride, probably undeserved, welled up inside me. Memories were coming easier now. 

_”Liara?”_

_“Are you coming to check up on me?”_

_Although she tried to hide it, her eyes pooled with sadness she wouldn’t express. I stood still for a moment, surveying her._

_“Are you all right?”_

_“Yes, thank you.” She paused, “I want to remember her for how she was, before she was with Saren.”_

_“I think that’s wise.”_

_“I miss her, Shepard.” She sighed, glancing away_

The memory stung, although I felt removed in a way. The notes sprawled across the datapad mentioned rachni, the decision I made to free a species that nearly wiped everything else from the universe, the eventual fall out of that decision with the council. And Liara’s mother. Controlled by Saren and unable to break that control. She forced our hand. 

It was just one more piece to the puzzle. I felt the dread mixed with excitement, we were so close. Cornering Saren as more and more pieces fell together. 

I pulled another datapad from the box and it flickered to life. _Feros._

_I could taste the dust, the heat. Garrus looked unamused at our surroundings, his eyes hard. Kaidan was equally stoic, staring off at the colony…or what was left of it._

_“Civilians and make shift barricades.” He muttered it under his breath, “It’s a miracle this place is still standing.”_

_“Just barely.” Garrus replied, shifting from foot to foot_

_“Stopping the Geth will help them rebuild. If we can stop the onslaughts, they can focus on bringing the colony back to life.” I mumbled, leading the way into the first darkened hallway and then down into a tunnel_

_The pistol in my hand felt heavy but my fingers curled around it naturally. So far the Geth hadn’t been much of a problem in this area. The colony surely felt the brunt of the attacks but they didn’t pose much threat to us._

_“What kind of company sets people up like this?” Kaidan complained as we neared the Mako_

_“I’m more interested in why the colonists were acting so strange.” Garrus replied with a shrug, getting behind the drivers seat_

I took a breath, opening my eyes again. The hospital was quiet, the beating machines behind me merely white noise now that I was used to them. I managed to pull my blanket closer, dragging it over bandaged legs, and let the datapad flicker to life. 

_Kaidan and I sat in the back of the Mako on the way back to the colony as well while Garrus drove like a mad man across the skywalk. It was quiet, perhaps too quiet. The discoveries made at ExoGeni were more than wrong, they were criminal. Kaidan fumed silently beside me, always keenly aware of injustice. Lizbeth had already been reunited with her mother and now the only daunting task was to get through the colonists without hurting anyone and then take on the Thorian. Whatever the hell that was._

_Kaidan shifted very slightly, his legs pressed against mine, his eyes locked forward to stare at the road ahead. I watched him quietly, secretly, from the corner of my eye. Watched him hunch over slightly, resting his elbows on his knees. Saw the smear of dirt against the back of his neck._

_He caught me, barely hiding the surprised expression. He held it in his eyes for a moment though before warmth flooded them. I could feel the blush creeping across my cheeks but I didn’t say a word, merely turning to look out the front._

He coughed, his timing impeccable as always. It took me a moment, the memory melding with reality, before I realized where I was. I was still sputtering out a hello when he sat down, dragging a bag with him. 

“Dr. Chakwas says no alcohol, no sugar, and nothing spicy.” He muttered sheepishly, “So I thought maybe Chinese would be ok?” 

I nodded as he pulled out boxes and laid them in front of me on the small table beside my bed. Rice and veggies covered in a thick brown sauce and three different kinds of chicken. 

“This is…a lot of food.” I mumbled, though not entirely displeased

“It’s your first real meal, not counting hospital rations.” He joked, “Thought we could go big.” 

_We._

The way he said it, so nonchalantly. The most natural thing in the world. I worked on piling food onto a plate instead of thinking about it. 

Silence permeated the air for a few moments as we both gathered food, setting huge portions we couldn’t possibly finish on our plates. Having him so close, seeing him here…it was like a fluid barrier between my memories. 

_”You all right?”_

_I glanced back awkwardly, both hands trying and failing to grab the release behind my back to get out of my stupid body armor. Something had jammed during Feros and now getting it off…_

_“Technical difficulties, that’s all.” I huffed, trying again_

_He laughed, freely for once, and walked into the room. He was already out of his own armor, probably getting ready to head to the showers. The thought made something deep in my stomach twist tight._

_“Let me help you.”_

_His fingers brushed against mine, shooing them away, and I gave up with a sigh. It took him moments to unclip the release levers, finally freeing me. I took a deep breath, pulling the armor away in sections as he continued with the levers. Finally free and in only the alliance issued shorts and undershirt, we both paused._

_He seemed to realize the transgression that had taken place before me. Of course, we’d all seen each other like this, in the clothes we wore under armor. How many times had I pulled my own armor off in front of the rest of them, all of us wrestling in this tiny room?_

_But he’d helped me this time. He’d crossed a tiny, invisible line that we somehow both had in our minds._

_“I uh…” He rubbed the back of his neck, “I didn’t mean…”_

_“Don’t go making this weird.” I teased although heat was rising up my neck, “And thanks, I would’ve never gotten out otherwise.”_

_“No problem, Shep-…Commander.”_

_He ducked out after that and I breathed out a sigh I didn’t know I was holding._

“This is amazing.” I commented, shoveling in food

“I’m glad you like it.” He responded happily, eating his own, “You used to like it…before. I wasn’t sure if your taste had changed.” 

He said the last few words purposely, staring down at his plate determinedly. I wasn’t sure if there was some deeper meaning hidden behind the words but I decided to bury it for now, focusing on the food. 

“Wanna see what’s on?” He mumbled, nodding towards the screen near the corner of the room

“Doc says no news stations, nothing that would tell me what’s going on in the rest of the universe.” I replied with a shrug

“I’m surprised you listened.” He retorted, fumbling to find the remote in a drawer

“I think she might be right. I think I have to figure my memories out on my own. They’re coming back easier now, faster.” I replied and he paused, glancing up 

“Yeah?” It was like he didn’t know what to say but didn’t want the train of thought to be lost

“I’m remembering Feros now actually. It’s as far forward as I can remember. What a crazy…plant?” 

“I’d never seen anything like it.” Kaidan remarked, “Still haven’t.” 

“Well I’m glad that level of weirdness seems to be behind me at least.” 

“Well I wouldn’t exactly count on that.” He replied with a chuckle, finally pulling out the remote and pointing it towards the screen 

It flickered to life, the lights dimming around us naturally. He flipped through a few channels and then finally settled for old earth reruns. The station’s name escaped me but it was notorious for playing really, really old human movies. 

“Guilty pleasure.” Kaidan retorted when I glanced over with an incredulous expression

We settled in, full and warm and content. I rested back against the pillows, staring up at the screen. The black and white set mixed with the almost grainy quality of the film but it was lovely nonetheless. I watched the protagonist, a dark haired man with a badge, chase after a woman in a long, white dress. 

“Thank you…” I mumbled after a moment, breaking Kaidan’s gaze away from the screen, “For visiting me. And for the food.”

“Anytime.” He smiled softly 

And then it was there again, that tight feeling in my chest, my stomach twisting in knots. We stayed there for the entirety of the movie, basking in a comfortable silence. When it finally ending, the screen turning black, Kaidan took his leave. He smiled when he got to the door and then slipped out into the hallway again. I sighed, letting my eyes slowly close.


	3. Chapter 3

I glanced through the box half-heartedly. It felt like I’d gone through all this already. Lately, I was having vivid dreams, reality mixed with fiction, and I couldn’t tell the difference between my memories and what I was making up. 

Still, going through the box of data pads and pictures helped pinpoint the inaccuracies. Things I thought I remembered written out in a data pad. Videos of ceremonies I’d all but forgotten, pushed away. 

I pulled out a picture I hadn’t seen, hidden near the bottom of the box. I was standing between Kaidan and Ashley, an arm slung over each of their shoulders, pulling them in close. We were all smiling, covered in dirt and roughed up from some mission I couldn’t remember yet.

The next data pad was a news vid. _The first human spectre._ For a moment, I feel the overwhelming desire to throw up. My stomach tied in knots; just like it did the day they appointed me. First human spectre, weight of the entire galaxy watching your every movement. I grabbed a different data pad to ease the feeling away. 

_2183 CE  
Liara probed my head again…not pleasant or very useful. We’re still no closer to finding out where or what the Conduit is. The crew’s on edge. Hell, I’m on edge. This “first human spectre” bullshit is making my head spin. It’s an honor and a curse. We’re on our way to Vermire…Saren has a base there and we need to destroy it. Hopefully we’ll find some answers. We’re in desperate need of some good news. _

The diary cut short and for the next few days nothing was written. Dr. Chakwas interrupted, citing a need for food and physical therapy. The PT was what I looked forward to most every day. Dr. Chakwas strapped me into a machine that pulled me out of bed and then pushed me back into a sitting position. Over and over my muscles began to become attuned to moving. Standing. Flexing. Simple things I’d taken for granted became daily challenges. 

“You think I’ll be able to walk soon?” I mused, managing to stand without the support of the machine a few time sin a row

“Sooner than you should, yes.” She reprimanded as my legs began to shake and I had to stop 

She left some food behind and told me to get some rest before she left the room. The lights in the hallway flickered off and the hospital went into the half-asleep, one eye open rest I’d come to associate with the night. People still paced the halls outside and emergency lights made it impossible to really feel the dark press in, but the air felt stiller now. 

I watched the clock tick down to 21:00 earth time before I reached for the pad again, scrolling for the next entry. It was a diary, the first really personal bit of information I’d read. I bit my lip, unsure, and then pressed the on button. It required a password. 

“Fuck.”

Something so mundane hadn’t nearly made it to the surface of my memories. I remembered action, I remembered my crew, feelings. A password? Nothing came to mind. 

I closed my eyes, letting my fingers drift over the lighted keys, attempting to force some sort of physical memory to conjure itself through my fingertips. Nothing came. I glanced down at the box beside the bed, cocking my head to the side at a small picture nearly crumpled in the corner. 

_Spacehamster01._

The screen flickered for a moment and then the journal entry popped up on the screen. There was obviously some sort of damage to the data pad as only a few entries were saved in what looked to be a vast journal of daily thoughts. I pressed one open, reading silently. 

_The crews on edge. Despite traveling to Noveria and Feros it still feels like we’re one step behind Saren. We’re playing catch up, trying to pick up the pieces he’s already smashed. For now, I’ve locked myself away in the cabin. Being around the crew makes me…restless. Stressed._

_I guess that’s not entirely true. There is one person who helps ease all this. But I don’t think he’d want to see me now. He’s got enough to deal with._

I knew it was Kaidan despite the ambiguity. I flipped to the next entry but it was just a requisition order for spare parts for the kitchen. There was only one entry left after that. 

_She’s gone. I can’t help thinking how I’ll write the letter to her family, to her sisters that are waiting for her return. She’s all they had left. They’re going to be alone now.”_

“No.” I paused, my fingers rigid 

_I’ve been rehearsing what to say…how to say it…but the words fall flat. I couldn’t save them both, I know I couldn’t…but her words are ringing in my head all the same. She told me to save Kaidan…she sacrificed…”_

The diary cut to static, damaged from something I didn’t remember or didn’t want to remember and I was left with a cold, empty feeling. Ashley was dead. And it was my fault. 

Suddenly, I felt it, like a pressure on my chest. I crushed my eyes closed but it only made it worse, more vivid. I could feel the water under my boots as I ran, going for Kaidan, blissfully unaware of the consequences. They were being overrun. I had to save him. 

_”Can you hold them off?” I panted, pausing momentarily, sweat dripping down my neck_

_“There’s too many!” Her voice cracks, so unlike Ashley, normally stoic and strong, “I don’t think we can hold them. I’m activating the nuke!”_

_“What the hell are you doing, Williams?” I hissed, a full stop now, turning back_

_I can feel my heartbeat pick up, drumming in my ears as adrenaline shoots across my body. There’s only minutes left now, already preprogrammed, there’s no stopping the nuke._

_“Making sure this bomb goes off, no matter what.” She spat, “It’s done, Commander. Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here.”_

_“Belay that. We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams!” Kaidan’s voice is frantic, breaking_

_I trembled, fists clenching. Garrus and Tali exchanged glances, looking troubled. Ashley had made the decision for me though hadn’t she? Only one of them was going to walk away from this and she’d known it…maybe from the very beginning._

_“Alenko…radio Joker and have him meet us at the AA tower.”_

_My voice doesn’t sound like my own, it’s too neutral, too quiet. I can hear Ashley sigh in relief, as though that’s what she wanted to hear._

_“Y-Yes Commander.” Kaidan stutters, “I-I….”_

_“You know it’s the right choice, LT.”_

_I don’t feel any sort of relief at the words, only more crushing pain, more weight on my chest. What’s there to say? I’m sorry? Sorry I wasn’t good enough to save them all? I stumble through an apology, my words choking, my throat closing. And Ashley’s radio cuts out soon after. The static in my headset sets my teeth on edge and I shut it off completely._

The machine beside me is beeping, humming, mimicking that harsh static. It’s the first memory that’s really pulled me in, the first one that’s hurt. I rip the cord from the machine, silence filling the room. I don’t realize I’m crying until the tears splash down onto the data pad in my hands. 

It’s uncomfortable, foreign. Crying is obviously not my forte. But I can’t stop and soon I’m heaving in breaths that hurt, my broken ribs aching in protest. And suddenly I’ve got the piece of paper Kaidan left in my hand and I’m dialing the number on my omni-tool without a second thought. 

He answers on the second ring, his voice mildly groggy. I’ve woken him up. I add it to the tally list of things I’ve done wrong. 

“Hmm hullo?” 

“K-Kaidan?”

“I’m on my way, Shepard.” 

I hiccup, shutting off the screen. And that’s when I realize how god damn useless I feel. Can’t even get out of my bed. Can’t take care of myself. Can't take care of my crew. 

I swing my legs over the side with some difficult, pushing away without a second thought. My legs crumple beneath, unsurprisingly, and I fold into myself on the cold ground below. It’s comforting, in a way, as I heave and sob against the tile, to feel the pain against my battered limbs and burnt skin. _I deserve this._

It takes only a minute for the door to open and Kaidan to stumble in. I wonder how close he was, where he’s staying, but the question doesn’t form on my tongue and I simply stare up at him, ashamed. He doesn’t say a word as he sinks down to the floor, pulling me up so I’m sitting too. 

His hands are warm, strong, they send a ripple up my spine, a memory I can’t quite grasp. But I don’t need to grasp it, not yet, because he’s here now and that's what really matters. I turned, naturally pressing my face against his shoulder as he wrapped me tightly in his arms. 

He’s done this before, this was natural to him. I can feel it in the way his body shifts, almost fluidly, to accommodate me. How he leans back against the gurney and takes me with him, pressing me tightly to his chest. The way he presses his face into my hair with a sigh. 

“I…she…Ashley.” I whimper and he simply nods, tightening his grip 

I folded into him, my knees pressing against my chest painfully. Stitches were reopening, I could feel them, and my carefully molded exterior was jarred loose. 

“Do you blame me?” I whispered, closing my eyes

“No.” He replied firmly, loosening a hand to run it down my back 

The effect was immediate and I melted against him, shivering. I tried to slow my breathing, tried to keep myself calm, but I couldn’t. So I focused on him. On the way his arms felt around me, the soft smell of a harsh aftershave and the warmer tone of vanilla and maybe…whiskey? His fingers dragged gently along my back as his knees folded around me, cocooning me from the rest of the world. 

“How…how many more?” I breathed and he shook his head slowly, his fingers pausing their path down my spine 

“Who?” I added, my voice cracking 

“A lot of people are dead, Shepard.” He breathed, “Some of them you don’t even know yet.” 

“Is it my fault?” I asked

“If it wasn’t for you, none of us would be alive.” He retorted, “I promise you did everything you could…and your everything is more than anyone else could’ve done.” 

I didn’t believe him, not really, and there was still a strange shadow looming as I tried to remember the deaths to come. Who else would my memory deceive? Drawing me in, reminding me of happy times, just to pull them away from me at the last minute. I shuddered a breath, pain flooding through my system again. 

Movements I hadn’t made in what felt like months made my skin burn and ache. I trembled all over, grateful when Kaidan lifted me and slid me back into bed. He stayed there, sitting in a chair beside the bed in silence for what felt like hours while I stared at the ceiling and let tears drip from the corners of my eyes to the pillow behind my head. 

As time dragged on he pulled the chair closer and rested his head on his arms, closing his eyes. I waited for his slow, steady breathing before I looked over, tracing over his features in the relative dark. He looked innocent here, despite a few jerky movements in his sleep, plagued by some nightmare. 

I didn’t try to stop myself when I naturally reached out, sliding a chunk of dark hair through my fingers. He sighed, burrowing closer to his arms with a soft whine when my fingertips dipped down to his jaw, to the scar I still didn’t remember against his lips. 

But there was something there, something familiar, wasn’t there? I could taste him, feel his fingertips pressing into me, desperation. We’d fought it for so long but the release I felt wasn’t at all what I expected. It was primal, heady, I got lost in him. 

I managed to drag myself away only to lose the memory to the back of my mind. I sensed, maybe instinctually, that something had happened, that it wasn’t how it used to be between us. I stayed up for the rest of the night watching him, willing myself to remember, to bring myself back. 

But nothing came. And by morning Kaidan extracted himself, touching my arm as he left. 

A new box showed up the next day as I’d finished the first but I was apprehensive this time. Kaidan’s words rang loudly in my ears. How many more were dead? How many more did I let down? 

I pushed the knowing curiosity away all day, focusing on PT and eating and resting. But by evening it won out and I crawled through several data pads and a small box of medals. It’s coming back slowly: little flickers of images, quiet conversations in the mess hall, the thrumming of the Mako. I don’t want to get attached, not yet, not until I’m certain. There’s been no word from the rest of the crew, nothing in the few things from this box that indicate where they are. 

“Shepard.”

He looks taller than I remember, blue war paint carefully designed over his face. I can’t remember him wearing that armor. It’s so….militaristic. Didn’t he always wear blue? He’s not the rogue C-Sec officer anymore.

“What happened to your face?” 

“Hah.” He laughs it off but I can tell he’s disappointed

“I take it you’re still piecing together the past?” He sat down at the chair beside my bed and I nodded dully, glancing down at the data pad in my hand

“Where’re you at?” He leans back casually, comfortable, “Maybe I can help.” 

It’s different with Garrus here. A flood of feelings for a best friend I only half know bubbles n my chest. He doesn’t have that panic stricken twitch that Kaidan has. He’s slightly more removed. He’s relaxed; even if he’s faking it, he’s convincing. And I’m not afraid to admit that I’m relieved, so relieved, that he’s not one of the ghosts left to haunt me.

“Saren.” I mumbled, shoving the data pad into his outstretched hand, “The final battle at the Citadel.” 

“Ah yes…crazy bastard certainly took us for a spin didn’t he?” He chuckled, “I mean, sending the Mako through the mass relay…you’ve done a lot of crazy things Shepard, but that one people are going to remember.” 

I grinned, suddenly at ease. I remembered that, remembered the fear and the cold sweat. Remembered the last moment of eye contact with Kaidan as he sat strapped beside me, ready for anything. Garrus was in the back, holding on, muttering curses under his breath. 

“Well it worked didn’t it?” 

A ripple of comfort seemed to go through Garrus as a smirk crossed my face and he laughed, setting the data pad down. 

“It’s good to see you, Shepard.” He closed in slightly, “I owe you a drink, you know? Maybe a few drinks.” 

“I’ll hold you to that, once I’m out.” 

He nodded as Dr. Chakwas made an entrance, shooing him away much too early. I sighed, waiting for her to set up more machines, more tests. 

“Dr. Chakwas?”

“Yes, Commander Shepard?”

“What if I don’t remember everything?” I mumbled as she turned the PT machine on 

“You don’t think you will?” 

“I’m afraid…there are parts I won’t get back.” I admitted, “And maybe parts I don’t want back.” 

“There is no easy answer, Commander. Nothing about your recovery is certain. That you’re alive at all is a miracle in and of itself.” She paused, eyes brimming with warmth, “But the Shepard I knew only dealt in uncertainties and impossible odds. I know you’ll pull through.” 

“Thanks, doc.” 

Alone again, my thoughts drifted to other interesting memories I’d failed to bring up to Garrus. One in particular stood in stark contrast in my mind. We stole the Normandy, with Anderson’s help (and now that I thought about it, where the hell was he?) and rushed into the great unknown. Everyone figured this was the end. It hurt my heart knowing they were all ready for that sacrifice. 

But there was something other than the fear drumming in my chest. Kaidan is there, when I needed him most, his dark eyes scanning over me. 

_”I suppose breach in protocol will be pretty far down the charges at our court martial.” His eyes are smiling before he does though he flushes all the same_

_He paused, looking over my face, stopping at my lips and then back to my eyes. He was closer now, a breath away. He seemed to want to reach out, to touch me, but he held himself back with impressive restraint._

_“You know, you’re right. About everything.” He mumbled, his voice low, “When I think about losing you I can’t stand it. The galaxy will just keep going, everything, even the reapers will come around again…but you and I…we are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us.”_

_He paused again sighing, running a hand against the back of his neck. I stepped closer naturally, filling in the small space left between us._

_“Shepard you make me feel…human.” He whispered, eyes meeting my own again_

_“Bunk here tonight, Kaidan. With me.” The words were tumbling forward before I could stop them but the pleased expression that crossed his face was enough to put me at ease_

_“Is that an order?” He smirked, he muscles in his arms tensing very slightly, biting back biotic powers that simmered just beneath the surface_

_“Shut up and get over here.”_

_“Careful Shepard, I might think you’re abusing your authority…serious breach in protocol.” He was teasing me, his fingertips already trailing along my sides_

_It took less than a moment for his lips to come crashing down onto mine, spiraling my thoughts. Every muscle in my body tensed and then released, finally, after waiting on the edge for so long. Kaidan seemed to feel the same, threading fingers through my hair and dragging my lips back to his again and again._

_We managed to stumble our way to the bed, collapsing heavy and unsure against it. His lips were at my neck in the next moment, sending sparks up my spine._

“Shepard?” 

I choked, losing the memory to the back of my mind and glancing up at him. My whole body felt warm, tingling. He stood in the doorway with a concerned expression, his eyebrows furrowing. The hospital was closing down for the night, going into a temporary sleep.

“You ok?” 

“I uh…I was just…lost in thought.” I managed, shifting uncomfortably on the bed 

“Yeah? What were you thinking about?” He closed in, sinking down into the chair 

I glanced over his hands, veins protruding on the back, up his forearms, to lean muscles hidden behind an alliance uniform. When I met his gaze again I had to lick my lips, trying to force words to come out. 

“Uh Ilos.” I only partially lied

If he knew what I meant he didn’t allude to it though his pupils grew very slightly when he met my gaze again. 

_I stared up at him, watching his pupils grow, his expression hungry. He was ripping at my shirt next, pulling it away. Goosebumps erupted over my skin wherever he touched, light, teasing. I groaned, grabbing the back of his head and pulling him to my lips again.”_

“It was crazy…our first taste of the Protheans.” He admitted, leaning back with a stretch that exposed the patch of hair that ran to his belly button 

“I uh…”

_I flipped him over, pushing his shirt over his head in the next moment. We were desperate, clumsy. I wanted my mouth on every part of him. I moved down his ribs, biting my way along as he groaned, and then on to his hips. I licked above his pants, glancing up to meet his gaze as he stared down at me._

“I yeah. It’s a lot to take in.” I admitted, blushing

“Are you feeling ok, Shepard?” He asked after a moment, frowning, “You look a little…feverish?”

“I’m…yeah I just…” What excuse could I possibly come up with? 

“I just need to shift. I’m a little sore I guess.” I admitted, trying to sit up more

“Let me help you.” 

I nearly protested, a red blush crossing my face so fast I knew he’d think I was spiking a real fever. He stood, positioning his hands behind my back and lifting me slightly up against the bed so that I was sitting. I could smell him when he was this close, nearly taste him. It was excruciating and exhilarating all at the same time. 

He pulled away slightly; just enough to look down at me and cocked his head to the side. His hands were still hovering on either side of me, nearly locking me in against him.

“That ok?” He asked in a low voice and I nodded stupidly as he went to move away 

“Kaidan…I…” I very nearly told him, explained that I was lost in a memory of making love to him, that all I wanted in that moment was to kiss him, to feel him against me again 

“I’m sorry about the other night. About Ashley.” 

A dark expression momentarily crossed his face and then he shook his head, sitting down on the edge of the bed. He gently reached for my hand, threading our fingers together. 

“You don’t need to apologize. I told you…I want to be there for you. I want to help.” He replied, squeezing my hand

_And then my hands were above my head, pinned down and vulnerable. He squeezed my wrists tight, biting my bottom lip. Skin pressed to skin, my body was on fire. He kissed me again, hard, before grinding into me. I groaned, unable to help myself, unable to stop. How long had we waited? Tip toed the line?_

“Are you sure you’re all right?” He pressed a hand to my forehead, feeling for a fever 

“Just tired I think.” I replied, only mildly leaning forward as he drew his hand away

“Maybe I should get Dr. Chakwas…” He trailed

“No!” I grabbed his hand before he could move from the gurney, “I mean…really. Kaidan. I’m ok.” 

“If you say so…” He replied suspiciously, leaning back against one hand 

“I do.” I replied, biting my bottom lip, “It’s just…I was remembering…the night before Ilos, actually.” 

Realization seemed to bloom across his face and he slowly nodded, swallowing. It made me feel worse, more stupid, like maybe that was a part of a very ancient past that we no longer talked about. But then he slowly smiled, something soft and almost sad, and dragged fingers through my hair. 

“That night meant everything to me.” He replied softly

“Do you still…” He looked away and I couldn’t finish the question 

“I love you, Shepard. I always have. But there’s still a lot for you to remember and I don’t want to get in the way of that.” He admitted after a moment

I nodded, slowly, but relaxed all the same. Love. He loved me. Still. Was I allowed a sliver of hope? After all the terrible things I’d remembered and all the terrible things that were sure to come, could it really be that easy? 

“We’ll see this to the end.” He said quietly, “And I’ll be here, no matter what.” 

I smiled and an announcement rang over the PA system that visiting hours were coming to an end. He sighed, running a hand through his hair and then stood. My chest ached, watching him leave, knowing it would be another night alone, relying on memories I only half understood. 

“Kaidan?” 

He turned to meet my gaze, closing in on me again. I swallowed, unsure, vulnerable, but I didn’t care. I motioned for him to come closer and he obliged without a second thought. 

“I…will you…” I sighed harshly, “Will you kiss me, Kaidan?” 

He smiled, so softly, it ghosted over his features. Without a word he leaned forward, gently, brushing his lips against mine. He was holding himself back, I could tell by the way the muscles in his arms twitched, but he allowed himself a second kiss soon after despite himself. 

“Goodnight, Shepard.” He breathed the words, pulling away very slightly 

His nose brushed against mine as he pulled away and I smiled, at ease. He smiled too and something seemed to lift from his shoulders, an invisible weight I’d never noticed before. 

He retreated from the room, leaving me with my thoughts again. My heart pounded, solid and strong, and I knew sleep would allude me so I focused on the box of memories at my bedside again. 

It came easier now. So much easier. Small prompts reminded me of things long buried. Illos, although difficult and stressful, led to the defeat of Saren at the Citadel. I didn’t lose another crew member and I was thankful, so thankful, to know they were safe. At least in this point of my broken past. 

For three weeks we were allowed shore leave on the Citadel. Three weeks with Kaidan, lost in each other, melding together. We secretly kissed in every dark corner, spent days lounging in cheap hotel beds, content to chart our bodies instead of the stars for once. We took showers together, ate meals together, hid away like school children kissing on the docks. 

And then my memories grew scarce. We’re sent to chart, sent to find more evidence on the reapers. It’s obvious no one believed me, it was a mission to keep me busy and out of the way. Something pulls at my memory here, something hot and bright. What had happened? 

I mull over it, refusing to skip ahead and look at the answers, until I finally fell into a fitful sleep.


End file.
